This post is for the single guys and gals among us: straight, gay, bi, and all other categories of sexual proclivities. It applies equally to the young as to the not so young. It is based upon nothing but my opinions formed over 30 years as a counselor and psychologist and many more than 30 years as a lover (happily married I hasten to add). The stimulus is the approach of St. Valentine's Day, that boost for lovers and bane of the lonely.
It is the case (and you could look it up) that most humans learn early in life to what "league" of potential lovers they belong. Some very few of us are incredibly well endowed by the Universe with great beauty, intellect, and talent (and it doesn't hurt if our progenitors have money). These are the people in the "AAA" league. They are indeed amazing, and they are a minute portion of the general population. Most of us, if honestly appraised, are in a quite different league; perhaps "A" if we're very fortunate but generally somewhere between "B" and "D."
We learn, over time, to what league we belong and we tend to believe that only individuals in the same league, or reasonably close, are our only chances for true love. As a consequence, we pine, we yearn, we settle, we get discouraged...but we often don't get a connection with people to whom we genuinely feel attracted. (This is not to suggest that millions of people do not find true love within their league, only that many do not, solely as a consequence of pining for people they believe to be out of reach and the fear of rejection if they reach out.)
The idea of being in a league.
This idea sort of goes hand-in-hand with the concept of "knowing one's place." And that idea takes us all the way back to the old countries and their notions of the status of individuals being divinely determined. We like to think that in the United States and Canada at the least, everyone has thrown off these prejudices and we are all now on a level playing field. If only that were the case. To begin with, people are absolutely segregated on the basis of race, but even more so on the basis of money. People in different socioeconomic classes just don't rub elbows all that frequently, at least not on the party circuit. As a practical matter this means that most individuals begin limiting their idea of with whom they may have a romantic liaison on the most petty of bases: how people dress, where they live, what kind of cars they drive.
The racial divide, while remaining significant, is certainly less of the determinant then it was 50 years ago, especially if people have money. Unfortunately, this is not true in all parts of the country but, the richer and more educated people become, the less race appears to be a factor in developing loving relationships.
While some people might argue that education is another great segregator, given the generally lousy education supplied by the overwhelming majority of institutions of higher learning, at least in the US, this may not create as much a divide as one might think. Ignorance is a great leveler, no matter the possession of degrees.
This then leaves the greatest divider of all: beauty. It is the fact that most people do not think that they are anywhere near as attractive as an objective observer might judge. Even people quite famous for their beauty, both men and women, are often heard to complain about their various features which, according to them, fall short of "beauty." There are of course people who are, for lack of a kinder word, ugly. While they may be ugly in interesting ways, no amount of makeup, costuming, or even plastic surgery, is likely to make them beautiful. Beauty is the great sorter of potential mates.(It is a fact that older research showed that women were less likely to prize physical beauty to the degree that did men; placing more significance upon sense of humor, common interests, compatibility, and kindness. Only men at one time were viewed as so shallow as to place primary significance upon beauty. How fortunate are we to live in a time where, thanks to cultural trends mostly derived from the growth of electronic media and politics, most women are today every bit as shallow as are men, at least in making an initial determination based upon physical characteristics.)
All of the above lead to the perception of "leagues." Most people tend to place themselves in a league containing people of similar levels of attractiveness, socioeconomic status, education, and race. When they become acquainted with people considered to be outside of their league, it is the brave individual indeed who has the confidence to make a move and try and raise one's self up as it were.
Money as a leveler
As noted above, money is a tremendous attractant and, of and by itself, tends to place an individual in a much higher league than their other attributes might allow them to attain. One only has to look at the so-called "trophy wives" or lately "trophy husbands" that people with vast sums of money are able to attract. No matter what is said by the partners, does anyone really believe that a 28-year-old beauty actually finds a 75-year-old man or woman attractive, desirable, and sexy? True confession: my wife has often offered the opinion that if some tragic event befell her, I would no doubt be remarried very quickly. I always inform my love that I do not have nearly enough money to attract the kind of partner that I would find exciting if I were in that situation. No, my age and financial situation naturally puts me in a league where the women who might be most interested in me are likely to wear corrective shoes and remember the 50's and 60's all too vividly. There's nothing wrong with this, it is where I naturally am in life, but no amount of my personal aging degrades my appreciation for the beauty of young people and no amount of charm on my part attracts those beauties. It is truly a case that money, honey, is the fastest, surest way to advance from a lower league to a higher and even to erase those wrinkles and age spots. (A side note to my age peers, especially women, I do not mean to denigrate the beauty and wisdom of older women (or men) but seriously, all things being equal, who would you rather bed, if not wed: one of your age mates, or a young, smart, hot, hard body of whatever gender attracts you?)
So what's a poor boy (or girl) to do?
First, the bad news: you can't always get what you want and generally you often don't even get what you need. However, if you're willing to accept a certain amount of rejection and possibly humiliation, you can do a great deal to make sure that next Valentine's Day is spent with another actual human being of whom you are fond, rather than with your various cats and dogs.
Many people claim to lack the self-esteem to hit above their league. They predict failure and they are certain that failure says something terrible about them as human beings.
Let's deal with the fear of rejection first. Yes, if you approach many people, even with respect and good will, they will reject you. But wait! Is it really you that they are rejecting? Chances are they don't know you. They are making a split second decision on the thinnest of evidence. Yes, it still stings, but chances are what they are rejecting is something about themselves that they see, and don't like, in you. You remind them of someone unpleasant in their past perhaps; they don't like "your type" which is again ridiculous since they are only judging your type based upon the most shallow observations; you're too something: young, old, tall, short, thin, heavy, forward, reticent. This is not to suggest that immediate rejection is sometimes not wise. If you are a jerk, asshole, smell wrong, dress like a vagrant, live with your mother past 25; abuse drugs or alcohol; it's the right thing for you to be rejected. Happily, these are all correctable deficits (just throw out that AXE if you're a guy and stop wearing cologne of any kind. If you're a woman, soap and water does wonders.)
On to self-esteem. You will never prove to yourself or anyone else that you are good enough. It's a decision that each of us either makes, or does not make, for ourselves. If you can't accept yourself with all your flaws (except using AXE) how are others to accept you? It's not about conceit and it's not about some bullshit way of fooling yourself. If you have serious and demonstrable character flaws, correct them. If you're a reasonably good woman or man, decide once and for all that you will give and accept nothing short of respect and acceptance to and from everyone. Once you can achieve this, you're ready to move on up!
There was once a very funny comedian name of Buddy Hackett. Younger readers will perhaps remember him, if at all, as the voice of "Scuttle" in The Little Mermaid. He was a funny, funny man. (Some trivia: he was the most frequent guest ever on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.) Although funny and popular, he was not very attractive. Although married for almost 50 years, Hackett was frequently seen in the company of beautiful women, especially in Vegas. I'll never forget one night Johnny Carson asked Buddy how, given his looks, he could attract so many beautiful women? Buddy replied, "I ask 'em. Nobody else asks 'em." He went on to explain that he might ask 50 women to dinner and 49 brushed him off, laughed in his face, said NO. But one would undoubtedly say yes, and that's all it takes.
If you can keep in mind that .true rejection can only come from people who know you well, then asking to date anyone who attracts you makes perfect sense. But even when people with whom you've had an acquaintance reject you, in may have more to do with their personal tastes than any intrinsic value on your part. Many people don't like lobster, or vanilla ice cream, but it would be bizarre to say that those foods were not excellent in an of themselves, just that people are entitled to their own taste; as in food, so also in people.
Some caveats: don't be a pest; no means no.; be always respectful and kind; keep seeking true love no matter the effort and time (and rejection). The more you try, the greater the probability of success.
Here's hoping that you find true love (or "to blave") sometime soon. Maybe this year will be your best. Maybe even tomorrow.
Next blog: "We all settle. You got a problem with that?"
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