What about the other dads? (The Cat's in the Cradle)

Today is Father's Day and social media is in full gear with photos of dads from the distant and recent past. Some are memorials and some current but none speak of the "other fathers."

Would that it were the case that all fathers (and mothers) were kind, loving, giving, and positive role models to their children, but the reality is that many fathers, especially 50-60 years ago, were distant, absent, harsh, self-centered, shadow figures. One does not see many Face Book posts about these fathers. If we did, the posts might read something like: "Happy Father's Day! Wish you had been a better father, I could really use the thousands of dollars I spent on therapy!" or "Happy Father's Day, but of course you died young and so I never got the chance to have a better father."

I know this sounds unduly harsh, but the fact is that, in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and 70's research tells us that dad's spent very little time with their children and even less time contributing to domestic work. Admittedly this has improved but many of the really great fathers that I know, who grew up in the middle of the last century, became good dads in reaction to the really poor fathering that they received when they were children. How many Boomer men said to themselves, "When I'm a dad, I'm going to be a whole lot different."

I grew up in the 50's in a tight knit neighborhood of row homes in Philadelphia, typical of the post-war emerging middle class. There were a lot of kids on the block and everybody knew everyone else. Of all the dads with whom I was familiar, there were almost none who spent time with their sons (or daughters); taking them to ball games, coaching their sports, or just hanging out. Of course most of the dads were the sole bread winners and for many, that was the definition of a father; to work and provide money. Nurturing and care giving were considered chores better left to mom. When dad had some time off, it was to play cards, or watch the game. To go fishing (with the other guys), or in some cases go to the track or just lay around (without the kids). This deficit in nurturing was immortalized by Harry Chapin in his song "The Cat's in the Cradle."

I know there were exceptions, but when I see the dedication to children from dads that really began in my generation and continues to improve today, I find virtually no comparisons with the fathers I knew growing up.

I'm certain there were fathers back then that spent time with their kids willingly and happily but, if you're over 60, think back upon how many times your father spontaneously, without being told by your mom, asked you to do something with him, took you unbidden to a fun activity, or just hung out with you when you were a child. (I say child because for a lot of fathers having their children reach adolescence or young adulthood enabled dad to relate somewhat better.)

Of course their were (and are), fathers who were  worse than distant. There were those who were emotionally, if not physically, abusive to wives and children and, because divorce was so punitive to women, the women and children had to endure. There were then and now the alcoholics, the compulsive gamblers, the serial adulterers.

There are many apologists for fathers of that era. "It was the cultural zeitgeist; they didn't have good role models; they didn't know better." But we all know this is bullshit. The fact is that, even in the middle of the 20th century there were dads, albeit the minority, who did coach, lead Scout troops, play games, and who willingly and joyfully participated in raising of their children. It was, and always has been, a choice.

And so on this Father's Day, I wish a most happy and fulfilling day to all of the dad's who truly partake in the lives of their children. If you are one of the unfortunates who grew up with what psychologists sometimes call "Father hunger," I hope you have lived up to your promise, made to your young self, that you would be a more present, engaged, and loving father. To those of you who feel you've fallen short, remember that where their is life, there is hope. Take stock of how you might be a better father and BE one.

With a tip of the hat to the great Harry and Sandy Chapin, the consequences of distant fatherhood:

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and there were bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talking 'fore I knew it and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad
You know, I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
We'll get together then, son, you know we'll have a good time then"

When my son turned ten just the other day
Said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on and let's play
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today
I got a lot to do" he said, "That's okay"

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know, I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
We'll get together then, son, you know we'll have a good time then"

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and he said with a smile

"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later
Can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad, We're gonna have a good time then"

Well, I've long since retired and my son's moved away
Called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time"

"You see, my new job's a hassle and the kid's got the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

Yeah, and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad, we're gonna have a good time then"

SONGWRITERS
CHAPIN, HARRY F./CHAPIN, SANDY